Had a though about drawing Sewall Wright/RA Fisher/ JBS Haldane as "Triple baka" -- and i did exactly that.

C

will scream into the void:

I think everything is alright

Field - park across my school

Went looking for bugs with friends!!!Found some asian common toads and a crab. Anything looks terrible with phone pixels.

Summer break at the end of time

Hobbyist imposter syndrome? anyone? Once in a while i get angry at how little i know, and how inefficient i am at learning (especially in comparison with people i know). Being in an actually good high school makes it even more terrible

Nvm! Big announcement!

i will have my first real summer to myself, i pushed every summer school program and school stuff off the table, i do not know how it will effect me in the long run and i honestly do not care. I feel an impending sense of doom every time i tried to think about my future(im going no where lol), the next break feels like the only and last summer break i'll ever have!

i'll learn with genuine curiousity, take more trips to look for wildlife around me(maybe collect some dead ones?), write and draw and create...

Rant #n

I love learning and i hate school

(ok i don't hate school that much but...) People that say they are fine at school are only because they doing well. Once you fall behind a bit, school turns into a giant torture streamline. Being left behind with no support is terrible and grows more and more terrible every class onwards because new classes build on previous knowledges. When you are at a point where you *don't* understand classes and *can't* do assignments everything is over. You fail again and again until you reached a point where its futile to even try. Determined kids can pick themselves up by their bootstraps or something, but not the majority of kids. Goes to school, ends up like a drowned mouse in one of those depression animal experiments -- This is exactly where im at in literature

Relationship with knowledge

There are some peice of scientific knowledge from my special interest that is significant to me personally and brings personal comfort:

• oxygen- i am mesmerized seeing glowing flints relight in this fire-gas, and everything related to this cool gas - photosynthesis, respiration. Basically life magic!

• How the forms of living organisms are contingent upon its evolutionary hisotries(besides being shaped by physical laws). Homologies, plesiomorphies, pharyngeal arches i used to have.... everything reminds me that life has history to it. Especially "deep homologies"

• Emergence of animal life half a billion year ago - i've seen it with my own eyes climbing up MaoTian mountain, dolomite layers - red sandstone from a oxygenated past sea - trace fossils(shaanxilithes) - Then the "sudden" appearance of diverse animal life!!! Rocks my soul

• Negative feedback loops, carbon-sillicate cycles, rates of organic carbon/pyrite burial, anything that keeps the something under control.

• yes to the Gaia hypothesis

• lobopods are my comfort animal

wwwwww

Morning - did some maths. Afternoon - ent out with friends, played some drinking games(ofc without the alcohol). Life is starting to get good

wwwwww

I learnt today that i am a very social animal by temperment, gigly shopping, chatting, sitting outside under tree shades with friends at night. Terrible socialization from my childhood kept me from finding the fun out for a very long time